Imogens Genius quote of the day!!!

I had asked Imogen to tidy up. When upon walking into the room and finding it even messier, she replied

"I'm not doing it messy, I'm doing it differently!"

Me told!!

chapter 12- School Run Mum

Diets!! Everybody has their own opinion on them. I have a few myself. My latest one is they’re all rubbish. Healthy eating and exercise is the best way. I am on a weight lose race with Grant, first one to loose seven pounds gets….. Hey, we never decided on the prize!! Pass me a doughnut!

We are keeping track on the board in the kitchen, mine is a steady decrease, I have lost 3 lbs so far, grants looks like a mountain range! Up and down! I don’t want to get to ahead of myself though, I am fully aware as I wade through the murky journey of weight lose, there will be many pitfalls. Namely, chocolate, cakes, bread……ohhhhhhh.

I really have to focus. I need to get into the zone, I need to get my gym mind back in gear, I need chocolate!! No, no i don’t. Oh, the argument that is going on in my head! I make a final decision. I do not, I state, do not, need chocolate. I go into the kitchen and make a Hot Chocolate. What??? That’s not real chocolate. Grant comes in

“You know you’re going to have to stop drinking so many of those don’t you?”

“Yes!” I reply somewhat offended by the remark. As if I wasn’t capable of understanding what ever I put into my body will generally stay there!

“And you’ll have to stop eating all the rubbish you eat!” comes my feeble retort.

“Not really that much, I exercise more than you!”

Although you can’t hear it, I have indeed inhaled half the air in the kitchen, in what comes out as an almighty gasp. Bit dramatic, I’ll agree, didn’t mean it though, I had sipped a bit of my drink just before and it was HOT!!.

With the challenged laid bare on the kitchen counter, I decide with even more passion to take it up! It’s definitely on now!!

Ok, that was 2 weeks ago; I am back to my original weight! I blame Grant. No reason, I just blame him.

So, while I’m in Pizza Hut, I decide to have liposuction. Tally the finances. Not an option! Rubbish. I eat a slice of the deliciously fluffy, deep pan pizza, with all that barbeque sauce, and chicken, and peppers, and red onion, and cheese, and….. ok I have to stop. I look at Imogen, she look at me and says

“If you put a straw into it, it just magic’s into your mouth!”

“That’s amazing, what will they think of next?”

This magic thing she is talking about is a straw, which is in her drink!! And when she sucks on it, it magic’s into her mouth!! Pizza Huts rules! I love the thought patterns of kids. It’s starting to get busy in, and Imogen is talking away, about her day, she’s been to Pre School this morning. Suddenly a child screams, and makes me jump. I realise Imogen is looking at me expectantly. Ohhh nooo, what was it she was saying to me? I look at her and smile and say

“Really?”

She frowns at me and says

“No, you wasn’t listening!”

How does she know? I ask her to repeat the question and she roles her eyes and replies

“Just forget about it”

I can’t help repeating it in my head in an New York/Italian accent, like in the film, Mickey blue eyes. I hope I’m not the only one to do that!! I ask her again, but she’s already onto her next subject by then, what Sarah did at playschool today. Never heard of Sarah. I find out later on in the story, that she’s a little girl a Per School, but Imogen doesn’t play with her because she plays with Emma, but Imogen plays with Emma, but when Emma plays with Sarah, Imogen doesn’t play with Emma or Sarah!!! My goodness, she’s only three. I ask her about the tadpoles at Pre School. They are watching them grow. Every morning we walk in and she takes me over to see them. She tells me, they have got les and arms now, but they’ve still got long willies!!! Ok, so now I’m on the floor laughing. Can’t breath, might be the pizza, that’s just gone down the wrong way, at this shock announcement!!

Once I have regained my composure, and picked myself up off the floor, I point out to her that those aren’t willies, they are their tales! They will shrink when they grow into big frogs.

“Oh, I thought they were willies, Have they got a willy?”

“ Do you want another drink, or a sweetie, how about the park?”

Not the time or place for a conversation like that!!

I ask Imogen if she is ready to go, and she replies

“No, I have to eat my sandwiches yet!”

A tad confused, I look at her plate, and she has made teeny tiny sandwiches with the croutons and the bacon bits!! Impressed, I ask if I can have one, she carefully picks it up and hands it over,

“You have to bite it, then eat it all up. It’s so yummy Mummy, you will really like it.”

How on earth, do you bite a Bacon bit and crouton sandwich in half? I did it!, not very filling, but isn’t that noveau cuisine at it finest? She’s going to be a genius Chef! My mind racing already, must get her on Britain’s Best Dish, Master chef, all those sky cooking programmes, they’ll want her on talk shows….. THE WORLDS YOUNGEST CHEF!!!  She’ll travel the world, cook for Kings and Queens, the Sultan of Brunei!! Then she brings me crashing back to reality by showing me her Dracula teeth, which are two long breadsticks, put under her lips!! Mmmmm, might have to rethink that plan! I pay the bill and off we go, not forgetting to grab a balloon on the way out, I’m sure she only does it to wind the others up when they get home from school! It’s been gloriously sunny the whole time we were in Pizza Hut, now as I head to the school for the school run, it is absolutely chucking it down, it’s always a nightmare to find a space on days like this. I figure I’m a little early, so it shouldn’t be that bad.

I was wrong.

Doctors surgeries! A place to find layers of old magazines, to catch more germs and to come out with depression after listening to the radio station that is playing in the waiting room!! I'm am at present listening to a man talking about how his mum was like the elephant man!! I only popped in to get my throat checked!! I now think I have to check in at the pysciatrists too!!!

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if i'd been 'computering'
And I had to answer 'Yes'
He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up....
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside,
That really did the trick....
I was just admiring my good work,
I didn't mean to 'click'.
But click I did, and oops I found,
A real absorbing site,
That i got so way into it,
I was into it all night.
So nothings changed except my mouse,
It's as shiny as the sun,
I guess my house will stay a mess,
While I sit here on my bum.

This is my side of the family at my Mum and Dads house in Canada!

chapter 11

And then there are times there aren’t!! Like dog-sitting. When I was younger, I would lay all over my dog, let it sleep on my bed, play with it, and love it. The thought of that now turns my stomach! I’m not a dog hater, just a dog don’t wanter. So, we were dog sitting for Grants mum whilst she was in hospital, It was half term, and we thought, hey, nice cheap fun for the kids! I picked up her bedding and this was where it all began. I suddenly thought to myself, the dog sleeps on this, ewwww, don’t know where she’s been, it smells, and I can just feel the germs on my hand. Wasn’t to sure where this came from, but walked out of the house. Now this is a cute little dog, but fat, so you walk everywhere slow, and you have to wait every five minutes. Not what the kids wanted. I stand at the door of my car, and tell her to jump up. I may as well as told a whale to jump up!! She stands there looking at me, as if to say

“Have you seen the size of me, I can barely lift my paw to walk!”

I’m not giving in, it’s a stand off now!

“Get in”

A look

“Get in!”

A look

“Dog, I’m not going to argue with you, get in!”

What am I doing, it’s a dog, I look at her with determination in my eyes, she will get in by herself. Grants ready to go. I look at the dog, she stares back. I look at Grant, he rolls his eyes! I look at the dog, she’s so smug! I bend down and pick her up, I’m sure I see her smile. I put her on her bed, and say

“I’m the boss!”

I will be boss of something!! I get in the car and roll down my window quickly, can’t do the smell of dog. She pants loudly the whole way home. After ten minutes in the car it’s driving me nuts.

“Chill out Emmie, we’re almost there”

“Heh, Heh, Heh, Heh”

I’m following Grant down a country lane, and stop suddenly, didn’t realise the corner was so sharp. I hear a whop on the passenger seat. The dog!!. I look back and she is in the foot well looking up. I am suddenly laughing uncontrollably; I have to keep driving because Grant is taking me a new way home. I start driving again and the laughing becomes louder. Every time I think of it, I lose it again.

“Sorry Emmieeee… hahahhhahahahha “

It takes about 15 minutes to get home, and all that time I am laughing. The dog doesn’t look to impressed. We reach home and I pull up onto the drive. I do my window up and look at the dog, and laugh again. Grant comes over to the car and grabs her bedding. Ok, time to show her whose in charge. I open the door, she sits there and stares, I grab the lead and pull her out! Job done. She starts to walk up the path, and hobbles onto the grass, I think the gravel path freaks her out. The older two girls are still awake when we get in, it’s 10pm! They call Emmie in high pitched voices, and she starts bouncing about!! Oh sure, now she has some energy. Oh it’s on dog! It’s so on!!

We stay up for another hour then go to bed, we shut her in the kitchen, and go up. Just get into bed, and she starts barking and crying. I’m in the movie ‘Lady and the Tramp’. I tell Grant to go down, as I won’t be very charitable! He wasn’t either!

I wake up really early the next morning, and rush down stairs to let her out. The kids wake up while she’s outside and rush out into the garden. Ok, we are officially the coolest parents. I lay down the ground rules for the dog. They are…

I’m not doing anything, you lot wanted a dog, you do it all!!

Day 2 –

“Can we take Emmie to the park?”

“Yep, get the lead, and we’ll go”

“I’ll hold the lead”

“No I will”

“No, I said first”

“Mum!”

“Not getting involved”

We leave the house, after everyone has helped put the dog on the lead. 6 kids, to one tiny dog. It was a sight, I couldn’t even see the dog! We walk up the crunchy gravel path as the dog walks on the silent grass. We literally get a few hundreds yards from the house and Gabe says

“Who wants the dog, she’s taking forever?”

“I’ll have her”

Chloe grabs the lead, another hundred yards

“Why is she so slow? She’s like stopping every 5 minutes!”

This could be working to my advantage. For ages they have been on at Grant and I for a dog, now they have one it’s not what they expected. Granted, the dog is 11 years old, can’t walk far or fast, doesn’t fetch, doesn’t do any tricks, and lays down a lot, but that shouldn’t matter. I keep to my word, and let them deal with it, Now’s the bit that makes me smile! I watch as Emmie slows right down, she lowers her bottom and Chloe’s face is a real treat!!  Hahaha

She pulls the dog, the dogs going nowhere! She looks at me, I smile, I’m doing nothing. I remind her she has a poop bag in her pocket. The look on her face is a picture. She can’t quite believe the dog has no standards. I can see what she’s thinking

“ I’m going to have to pick that up in front of all the cars driving by!!”

I laugh and say that’s all part of having a dog, I walk by with Imogen, giving the dog a wide berth! After two hours at the park, and the dog sat down the whole time, the kids are ready to go home. I ask who is taking the lead. The kids run off!! Then I see Imogen come walking back from behind the hedge. I guess she drew the short straw. Or the older five pushed her out! Either way I hand over the lead. I am 100% sure there is no danger of her being pulled off. In fact, she is stood there leaning back, pulling on the lead, with a stationary dog at the end of it! She walks over and nudges her with her foot.

The dog begrudgingly, and ever so slowly stands up. I smile at the triumphant look on Imogens face. It was no easy feat for a three year old! Now for the long trek home. Imogen, the dog and I arrive home 15 minutes after the others, who are laid out on the front lawn, because I had he keys, and not one of them could be bothered to come and get them from me. Kids!!!

It turned out we had the dog for five days. She peed three times on the carpet, pooed once on the carpet, farted loads, and cried every night.

WE WON’T BE GETTING A DOG ANY TIME SOON!

Keely Watling is fundraising for Cancer Research UK

Keely Watling is fundraising for Cancer Research UK

Please if you can, donate some money, i'm running for someone very special to me!!! xx