chapter 11

And then there are times there aren’t!! Like dog-sitting. When I was younger, I would lay all over my dog, let it sleep on my bed, play with it, and love it. The thought of that now turns my stomach! I’m not a dog hater, just a dog don’t wanter. So, we were dog sitting for Grants mum whilst she was in hospital, It was half term, and we thought, hey, nice cheap fun for the kids! I picked up her bedding and this was where it all began. I suddenly thought to myself, the dog sleeps on this, ewwww, don’t know where she’s been, it smells, and I can just feel the germs on my hand. Wasn’t to sure where this came from, but walked out of the house. Now this is a cute little dog, but fat, so you walk everywhere slow, and you have to wait every five minutes. Not what the kids wanted. I stand at the door of my car, and tell her to jump up. I may as well as told a whale to jump up!! She stands there looking at me, as if to say

“Have you seen the size of me, I can barely lift my paw to walk!”

I’m not giving in, it’s a stand off now!

“Get in”

A look

“Get in!”

A look

“Dog, I’m not going to argue with you, get in!”

What am I doing, it’s a dog, I look at her with determination in my eyes, she will get in by herself. Grants ready to go. I look at the dog, she stares back. I look at Grant, he rolls his eyes! I look at the dog, she’s so smug! I bend down and pick her up, I’m sure I see her smile. I put her on her bed, and say

“I’m the boss!”

I will be boss of something!! I get in the car and roll down my window quickly, can’t do the smell of dog. She pants loudly the whole way home. After ten minutes in the car it’s driving me nuts.

“Chill out Emmie, we’re almost there”

“Heh, Heh, Heh, Heh”

I’m following Grant down a country lane, and stop suddenly, didn’t realise the corner was so sharp. I hear a whop on the passenger seat. The dog!!. I look back and she is in the foot well looking up. I am suddenly laughing uncontrollably; I have to keep driving because Grant is taking me a new way home. I start driving again and the laughing becomes louder. Every time I think of it, I lose it again.

“Sorry Emmieeee… hahahhhahahahha “

It takes about 15 minutes to get home, and all that time I am laughing. The dog doesn’t look to impressed. We reach home and I pull up onto the drive. I do my window up and look at the dog, and laugh again. Grant comes over to the car and grabs her bedding. Ok, time to show her whose in charge. I open the door, she sits there and stares, I grab the lead and pull her out! Job done. She starts to walk up the path, and hobbles onto the grass, I think the gravel path freaks her out. The older two girls are still awake when we get in, it’s 10pm! They call Emmie in high pitched voices, and she starts bouncing about!! Oh sure, now she has some energy. Oh it’s on dog! It’s so on!!

We stay up for another hour then go to bed, we shut her in the kitchen, and go up. Just get into bed, and she starts barking and crying. I’m in the movie ‘Lady and the Tramp’. I tell Grant to go down, as I won’t be very charitable! He wasn’t either!

I wake up really early the next morning, and rush down stairs to let her out. The kids wake up while she’s outside and rush out into the garden. Ok, we are officially the coolest parents. I lay down the ground rules for the dog. They are…

I’m not doing anything, you lot wanted a dog, you do it all!!

Day 2 –

“Can we take Emmie to the park?”

“Yep, get the lead, and we’ll go”

“I’ll hold the lead”

“No I will”

“No, I said first”

“Mum!”

“Not getting involved”

We leave the house, after everyone has helped put the dog on the lead. 6 kids, to one tiny dog. It was a sight, I couldn’t even see the dog! We walk up the crunchy gravel path as the dog walks on the silent grass. We literally get a few hundreds yards from the house and Gabe says

“Who wants the dog, she’s taking forever?”

“I’ll have her”

Chloe grabs the lead, another hundred yards

“Why is she so slow? She’s like stopping every 5 minutes!”

This could be working to my advantage. For ages they have been on at Grant and I for a dog, now they have one it’s not what they expected. Granted, the dog is 11 years old, can’t walk far or fast, doesn’t fetch, doesn’t do any tricks, and lays down a lot, but that shouldn’t matter. I keep to my word, and let them deal with it, Now’s the bit that makes me smile! I watch as Emmie slows right down, she lowers her bottom and Chloe’s face is a real treat!!  Hahaha

She pulls the dog, the dogs going nowhere! She looks at me, I smile, I’m doing nothing. I remind her she has a poop bag in her pocket. The look on her face is a picture. She can’t quite believe the dog has no standards. I can see what she’s thinking

“ I’m going to have to pick that up in front of all the cars driving by!!”

I laugh and say that’s all part of having a dog, I walk by with Imogen, giving the dog a wide berth! After two hours at the park, and the dog sat down the whole time, the kids are ready to go home. I ask who is taking the lead. The kids run off!! Then I see Imogen come walking back from behind the hedge. I guess she drew the short straw. Or the older five pushed her out! Either way I hand over the lead. I am 100% sure there is no danger of her being pulled off. In fact, she is stood there leaning back, pulling on the lead, with a stationary dog at the end of it! She walks over and nudges her with her foot.

The dog begrudgingly, and ever so slowly stands up. I smile at the triumphant look on Imogens face. It was no easy feat for a three year old! Now for the long trek home. Imogen, the dog and I arrive home 15 minutes after the others, who are laid out on the front lawn, because I had he keys, and not one of them could be bothered to come and get them from me. Kids!!!

It turned out we had the dog for five days. She peed three times on the carpet, pooed once on the carpet, farted loads, and cried every night.

WE WON’T BE GETTING A DOG ANY TIME SOON!